God is Faithful | My Freedom from Disordered Eating

Yet, I will wait for the Lord who is hiding his face from the decedents of Jacob. – Isaiah 8: 17

As I read the commentary, I stopped, at first in defeat and then to reconsider. It read:

Sometimes waiting is one of our greatest tests in life. Some prophesies took 700 years to fulfill, while others still haven’t been fulfilled in our lifetime.

Read that again.

Seriously?! That’s a heck of a long time. 

I don’t know about you but that doesn’t seem good enough for my impatient, control desiring, freedom seeking, answer wanting, self. You? 

And then I read:

Yet, God is faithful.

Even still. Regardless. God is faithful. Period end of story.

I took a second to consider it in my own life as I put pen to paper and starting writing my gratitudes for the day.

 

2223. Praying God would change my mood yesterday, from hostile and cold to joyful and confident, regardless of others moods/beliefs/circumstances.

And he did, within an hour!

2224. Praying God would help me be undistracted with my daughter and have joy being in the moment soaking her in.

And he did; all day long, that very day!

 

Ok. Cool. God does answer prayers, I reminded myself. But those were easy ones…..

 

2225.  (Full Disclosure Alert) When I’m in a group of women I no longer feel body conscious, comparing myself to them or looking at others’ waist lines to either beat myself up with or make myself feel better. Actually, I don’t even think to do that anymore! It doesn’t even hit my radar!

You have no idea what a miracle this is.

 

For years, no matter where I was or what I was doing, whether I had starved myself skinny or binged myself bloated, the chains of disordered eating and body image held me hostage. It stole not only my confidence, but my joy and my ability to be fully present.

Not only was this harmful to me, but to others, because I could never love them without judging them first (yikes! Thats an ugly truth); nor could I fully listen and be there with them because my thoughts were entirely consumed on ME.

It took me years to see my food and body issues as more than harmful, but selfish and ultimately, a sin. 

I kept going.

2226. I can truly enjoy food without fear of it (making me fat) and in moderation, even resisting foods that aren’t the best for me.

 

2227. I can resist joining in with emotional binging when others are doing it.

 

2228. When I do slip up-  eat too much junk, binge or even realize I’m subconsciously choosing not to eat- I don’t let the guilt eat me alive. I use it as a cue that it’s time to acknowledge my error and simply move on, praying that God would help me to make better choices starting now.

Hello!!!! If I could put one million exclamation marks beside that I would. What a miracle this is. Oh my Great God!!!! You are faithful!!!

Until this morning I hadn’t fully realized the extent of my answered prayer.

You see, after battling with disordered eating and body issues for most of my youth and adult life, I’ve been praying- prostrate on the floor- (think screaming at demons and audibly claiming God’s promises and declaring truth over myself) for God to take this disease from me… for 10 years! ; begging him to heal me, entirely and give me freedom from the destruction of disordered eating.

Friends, this has not been a passive fight. It’s been a battle! And I’ve waged war on a daily basis. Yet for 10 years I felt like God would never fully heal me; that like Paul, this would be the forever “thorn in my side.” 

And still I praised him. I gave him Glory. I trusted him to use it for good.

 

And now here I sit today a free and victorious woman in Christ.

Wow. Those words feel absolutely surreal to type.

To be honest, I want to backspace; delete those words in fear that saying it will somehow make them fleeting and me backslide into old ways.

But I know that in life I will be tempted and I will NEED (active present tense) God to continue to walk in freedom. I cannot do it on my own. But with God, I CAN DO ALL THINGS.

WHEN I AM WEAK (and God knows, I am so weak when it comes to body image and food) HE IS STRONGEST.

 

God is faithful. Period. End of story.

 

So the question is: will we continue to trust him, even if it takes 700 years to answer our prayers or if we never see the answer in our lifetime?

What is it you’re waiting on God for?

 

 

_________________

Disordered eating and body image is a disease and I believe wholeheartedly in seeking the assistance and counsel of professionals on the path to healing. I worked for 6 months with FREE TO BE COUNSELLING to discover the root of my issues and start working on reordering my distorted mind.

Ultimately, God is the only one who can free us and make us whole again, but we can’t just sit back and expect him to do everything (which is largely what I had done for 9.5 years). We must do our part also and for me this was the difference.

Other resources I found helpful:

• It’s Not How you Look, It’s What you See – Lisa Bevere
• ReShaping it All – Candace Cameron Bure
• Devotions for a Healthier You – Katie Farrell

 

To save her from herself

“She loves food!.” He exclaimed. “We’ve been together for years and I never even realized how much she loves to eat. She’s got massive will power though and she’s so disciplined.”

He spoke with such amazement, almost proud.

“How so,” I ask.

My mind starts whirling. Flashes of my war with food start racing and quietly I will his next words to be anything but my minds.

“Well for example, she loves this dish I make. So much that she forbid me to ever make it again. It’s so good!”

He goes on to list every delicious morsel of ooey, gooey goodness, laden with heaps of buttery delight.

“When I made it the first time, she ate the whole casserole dish! Not in one serving, but throughout that night. She loved it!”

I proceed to ask more questions, each answer pointing to the truth I so desperately want to banish…

…from her life. From my life. From the lives of every 1 out of 3 women who battle an eating disorder, and live in a war zone each and everyday.

The hardest part? This battle ground you can’t escape. Your body. Your mind. Your very skin.

They, me, us. Living each and every day in an invisible hallocaust, begging silently for someone to save us from ourselves.

I took the deepest breath I could and silently whispered a prayer. I would need the Holy Spirit to speak through me and prepare his heart for what I was about to share.

I told him my story; every aching and painful reality. The voices. The lies. The battle. The hatred and the agony. All directed at myself, the food that nourishes me and the body I have lived in slavery to.

“That’s not will power,” I explained, “That’s obsession; a coping mechanism she’s trained herself to do in defense. It’s how she’ll win the battle for today. Tomorrows another story.

You see, the lies, they never stop; We’re not good enough, pretty enough, skinny enough. And if we are that minute, we won’t be fine for long. Eat just one bite of the wrong thing, miss one day of working out and we’re well on our way to being a heffer tomorrow. We’ll never be good enough or worthy of being loved unless we’re perfect.  At least thats what we subconsciously tell ourselves, without even realizing it. We even believe the lies to be our own thoughts.

That eating of the whole casserole? That’s not love. It’s hatred. It the forbidden fruit she’s just tasted. And the lies they get louder with every bite. But she’s already screwed up and ate it. She knows she’s “never allowed to eat this or do that again.” But she’s already fallen off the bandwagon, she mind as well make it good one- an epic fail! So She’ll eat the whole thing

When it’s done, guilt and shame will follow her; a distended gut, her dunce cap of punishment. Mirrors will taunt and mimic her stupidity and her mind will whistle the tune of “ugly, fat, not good enough.” … for hours, for days, for weeks.. however long it takes her to “be in control again and appease the image in the mirror.

So, she’ll try harder. She won’t let it happen again. From the binge, comes the purge cycle, be it a physical purge, or simply an elimination of anything ” not healthy.” And working out will be her pennence, while she tricks herself into thinking she’s “got this.”

You see foods the strongest enemy and ourselves the tattling five year old. And exercise? Well it’s the best friend who’s really a frienemy, and disguises her evil motives.

It’s a battle she’ll never win, only succumb to more and more. Slowly but surely, she’ll kill every part of hope, every like she once had in herself, every food and movement that once brought her joy and made her feel alive.

This is 1 in every 3 girls reality; the war with food continues.

And the world thinks we’re healthy. We’re active and we’re disciplined. They praise us for our vainity and ask pointers for our ways. They feed the monster thats slowly killing us and ripping the very essence of our joy.

This evil epidemic has gone unnoticed, not talked about for far too long.. why? because we’re too ashamed to admit it. Too stubborn to “let go” and find freedom. Fear tells us it’s not possible and our coping isn’t so bad!

And as players in the game, we’ve fed each others obsession and quietly cheered each other on to the gates of hell..

A living reality that needs to stop. It’s time we shed light on the truth.

_____________

If you are facing a battle with food or an obsession with exercise, it’s time you face the truth. Reach out for help. Tell someone, anyone who you feel safe with whats really going on.There is help. There is freedom. There is another life with healing!

If you have a friend, an acquaintance or a family member that deals with an eating disorder; or you know someone who you suspect is struggling, please tell someone.

While attacking them face on is not always the best tactic, reaching out to someone who loves them with the truth is paramount. Quietly, in secret, that women is begging you to save her.

She may not have the words to ask or the willpower to leave the battle herself, but acknowledgment is the first step to healing and you may be her only chance.