when you’re serious about breaking free and living beyond the mirror #eatingrecoveryday

Honestly, I hardly noticed the change when it was happening, but now that I sit on the other side – on the other side of  disordered eating and body image issues – I recognize my freedom from it and healing in situations that used to enslave me….

Things like eating dinner out with friends, shopping in the mall, showering and getting dressed in the morning, scheduling my weekly workouts, enduring an acne break out or being around other women.

Those moments felt like a living nightmare and used to [quietly] kill me. 

If your life looks anything like mine, these sorts of things happen on a daily basis. So if you do the math, I used to spend the majority of my days – the majority of my life – feeling crappy about myself, hating my body and fearing the things I need to do to simply function, like eat.

My days were a string of events that felt more like failures in the basic functions of existence and I felt like a failure before I even stepped foot outside each morning.

It didn’t matter how hard I worked, the things I achieved, the nice stuff people said about me or how my life looked on the outside, underneath I believed I wasn’t good enough- never would be- and feared being found out.

The reality is, our culture and society preys on this type of behaviour and if you ask around, you’ll quickly discover you’re not alone.

Nearly every woman battles these feelings in one form or another. Yes, we all experience them in varying degrees, but never the less, I have yet to meet a single woman who confidently declares she sees no need to change anything about her body or can’t relate to at least one of the battles I used to face daily.

But the truth is, that’s half the problem! I saw my eating disorder and my obsession with my body as normal and so do a lot of woman! We believe that because it’s common and “normal” that it’s ok; that preoccupation with looks and food are just a females reality that needs to be embraced and survived. No one told me any different! But deep down, I knew that wasn’t good enough; I knew that was wrong and I started craving something different- something more…

I wanted to not just accept myself, but even like my body! I wanted to enjoy food again with ZERO guilt or regret. I wanted to love getting dressed without turning sideways to ensure everything looked flat. I wanted my mind to be free from negative self talk; to just be me without shame or wanting to change.

I started praying desperately for God to change me, asking that he would free me from the thoughts and behaviours that taunted and harassed me every. single. moment. of. every. day. I read my bible daily for encouragement and hope because the burden of my daily existence felt heavy and hopeless.

The LORD has anointed me to bring good news to the afflicted; He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, To proclaim liberty to captives And freedom to prisoners- Isaiah 61:1

Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart. – Matthew 11:28-30

I started to think: If God truly is who He says He is and if He sent His son Jesus to bind up the broken hearted and set the captives free, then this reality I’m living in isn’t from him, because it’s hell!

And like a light switch, my perspective flipped. I saw for the first time that I had been deceived. I recognized what a lot of Christians talked about but hadn’t yet acknowledged in my own life: satan at work in areas where I had given him permission.

Satan is a deceiver who disguises himself in light – things that look and feel good [initially] – but intimately he comes only to kill, steal and destroy. And when I was honest with myself, I recognized that he had done exactly that in this aspect of my life: satan had killed my confidence in who I am as a unique woman, he stole my joy in much of my daily existence and he destroyed my ability to see beyond myself and my pain much of the time…

If your first concern is yourself, you’ll never find yourself. But if you forget about yourself and look to me, you’ll find both yourself and me. – Matthew 10: 38-39 MSG

No matter what I was doing, my mind was always preoccupied with how I felt or how I looked, constantly analyzing, comparing and despising my reality. Even my best efforts couldn’t tear me away from my thoughts for longer than a few minutes. No one got the best of me, except me and I surely wasn’t giving myself the best treatment either. Without realizing it, I had made myself and my body my idol.

i·dol – an image or representation of a god used as an object of worship and placed above God in one’s life.

I realized the battle was not one of flesh and blood but of Spirit and if I was going to win – to break free once and for all from my disordered eating and body image issues – I need to get serious about fighting with the right weapon: prayer. I had to listen to what scripture tells me and follow it’s instructions:

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil. – Ephesians 6:12

‘Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit,’ says the LORD Almighty. – Zecharaih 4:6

 I waited patiently and expectantly for the Lord; And He heard my cry. He brought me up out of a horrible pit [of tumult and of destruction], and He set my feet upon a rock, steadying my footsteps and establishing my path. – Psalm 40: 1-2

Be generous to the poor and everything will be clean for you. Luke 11:41

And so I did. I prayed, I read my bible, I trusted God and I waited to hear from him. I posted scripture all over my house, my car and my purses – essentially any and every place I would look regularly- and praying it out loud over myself. At first it felt hopelessly silly and I barely believed a word of it applied to me and my life. But in time, my God took my mustard size seed of faith and moved mountains with it. He changed my heart and I developed a confidence that freedom not only possible but it was coming!

I took verses to heart like Matthew 10: 40-41, that instructed to start small in our generous acts, like giving someone thirsty a cup of water; that even the smallest acts of giving done in love, become great.

I asked God to open my eyes each day to ways I could be generous- to make me sensitive to the needs around me- and like a floodgate, things came left right and centre. And something amazing started to happen…

as I responded to those needs, believing for my own healing, my heart and mind started to change – I began to heal from my disordered eating and body image issues.

It wasn’t overt, but days would come would suddenly I was acting different in familiar situations and the things that used to bother me, suddenly didn’t! I felt freer, happy and I actually started to like myself. Things would happen and like a third party bystander, I’d reflect and realize I was a different person. I was almost afraid to say it out loud in fear of going back, but with time and more consistency, I realized God really was healing me slowly!

Over the course of a year, I attended weekly counselling. I discovered that my struggles with food and body image directly correlated with my stress levels. When I was upset about something – typically something outside of my control – my issues would flair up.

I also discovered that the root of my struggles were lies that has been planted from experiences in my childhood; primarily the lie that I had to be perfect in order to be liked, loved and accepted.

From my very first memories I learnt that life is a competition, including relationship. I felt as if I had never been anyone’s first choice or true love; it was always me against someone else. Deep down, I wanted to be cherish and adored. I wanted to loved and accepted because of who I was not because of how I looked, acted or what I achieved. 

But the only time people seemed to acknowledge or praised me- which felt like love and acceptance at the time – was for my beauty, my perfectionistic ways, my strength [aka: walled up emotions] and my achievements.  And it perpetuated a cycle of striving, thinking I had to earn love or prove myself worthy. 

At my core, I don’t know or understand unconditional love or anything apart from my looks and my performance.

I wish I could tell you that healing was an easy three step program and that I recovered from my eating disorder and body image issues by learning to love myself and give myself grace. But I didn’t.

In my experience that doesn’t work and what culture tells us will set us free – female empowerment- will never fully free us. It may help in the short term and bandaid the struggle for a while, but in the end it only perpetuates the problem and nurtures lies of inadequacy and unworthiness at our core.

For me, it was only Jesus that could set me free and bring be back to wholeness; Jesus and the hard work of weekly counselling, discovering, uprooting and replacing the lies I’d come to believe.

My counsellor helped me understand that freedom and healing is largely a heart issue which requires not just healing but transformation. We must die to the old self [the old way of thinking] to discover the new. And if that healing is to be lasting, it must be a work of The [Holy] Spirit. No amount of will power on our part can transform us. Only God can! Our part is simply to show up and be honest about our brokenness.

Typically, addictive behaviour, disorders and obsessions are the result of a warped core belief that develops at an early age. From then on, that wrong belief subconsciously steers our thoughts and our actions as we mature. To be free of it, we must discover what the lie is, uproot it and replace it with truth.

For me, this lie was that unless I was perfect in my behaviour and my looks, people would reject me and ultimately I’d be alone and unloved. I subconsciously believed at my core that my looks were a direct line to love. Food was simply my way of controlling that.

Once I took that to Jesus for healing and committed to the work with my counsellor, I found healing.

Today, I rest in the confidence of who Jesus created me to be. Im imperfect and so is my body, but Im very much OK with that. I love food and love to enjoy it in moderation and without guilt. I work out to feel good and because it makes me feel alive. It doesn’t own me, nor does the calorie burn. I am satisfied with my wardrobe and how I look in the clothes I wear. I rarely ever give my dress much thought anymore and I can count on one hand the times I’ve felt the need to shop or acquire more. I am content in both my life and my skin, trusting Jesus for the grace I need each day to continue to walk in freedom.

Friend it’s not hopeless and your healing is just around the corner! It starts with humility and honesty, seeing our need for a Saviour.

_________________

STEP ONE:

If you’d like to invite Jesus into your pain and ask him to begin a healing work in you, pray along with me:

“Jesus, I believe you are who you say you are. That you came to earth, as The Son of God, to die for my mistakes and shortcomings on a cross. That in you, I am forgiven and given a new life, both now and in eternity. I share my struggle with you now, the things and behaviours that hold me hostage: __________ I confess that I have tried in my own strength to heal and free myself but I can’t. I need you. Please begin a healing work in me. Repair my heart and replace the lies I have believed with your truth:That I am loved exactly as I am. Please make yourself real to me in a way I cannot deny. Thank you that you came to bind up the broken hearted and set the captives free. I claim that promise for myself now! Thank you in advance for the work you will do in my heart. Believing for complete and total healing and freedom, I pray in Jesus’ name. Amen.”

 

STEP TWO:

Don’t go through this alone! If you have never shared your struggle with someone, start there by confiding in someone you trust. If you have no one, please email me at hello@kaileymichelle.com.

 

STEP THREE:

I would strongly suggest you reach out to a professional [Christian] counsellor, such as FREE TO BE COUNSELLING, if you live in the Vancouver Lower mainland or Fraser Valley.

 

STEP FOUR:

Get in your Bible and start reading about who you are in Christ. Post scripture around your house and read it out loud to yourself daily. Knowledge is power when we give it space to thrive- to move from our head to our heart.

If you are not a person of the Christian Faith, try reading these healing affirmations out loud over yourself each day:

I am a divine creation. I love and accept myself where I am right now. I enjoy who I am and the wonderful parts of my character. I choose joy. I live in the now. Each moment is a new gift. It is safe to be me. I am safe in this world and I trust the process of life. –  Heal Your Body | Louise Hay

 

Other resources that played a part in my healing journey and may serve you well:

Christian Faith Based

• It’s Not How you Look, It’s What you See – Lisa Bevere
• ReShaping it All – Candace Cameron Bure
• Devotions for a Healthier You – Katie Farrell {Dashing Dish}
• God Loves Ugly – Christa Black Gifford

Non- Faith Based

• Gifts of Imperfection – Brene Brown
• I thought it was just me, but it isn’t – Brene Brown

 

 

 

 

God is Faithful | My Freedom from Disordered Eating

Yet, I will wait for the Lord who is hiding his face from the decedents of Jacob. – Isaiah 8: 17

As I read the commentary, I stopped, at first in defeat and then to reconsider. It read:

Sometimes waiting is one of our greatest tests in life. Some prophesies took 700 years to fulfill, while others still haven’t been fulfilled in our lifetime.

Read that again.

Seriously?! That’s a heck of a long time. 

I don’t know about you but that doesn’t seem good enough for my impatient, control desiring, freedom seeking, answer wanting, self. You? 

And then I read:

Yet, God is faithful.

Even still. Regardless. God is faithful. Period end of story.

I took a second to consider it in my own life as I put pen to paper and starting writing my gratitudes for the day.

 

2223. Praying God would change my mood yesterday, from hostile and cold to joyful and confident, regardless of others moods/beliefs/circumstances.

And he did, within an hour!

2224. Praying God would help me be undistracted with my daughter and have joy being in the moment soaking her in.

And he did; all day long, that very day!

 

Ok. Cool. God does answer prayers, I reminded myself. But those were easy ones…..

 

2225.  (Full Disclosure Alert) When I’m in a group of women I no longer feel body conscious, comparing myself to them or looking at others’ waist lines to either beat myself up with or make myself feel better. Actually, I don’t even think to do that anymore! It doesn’t even hit my radar!

You have no idea what a miracle this is.

 

For years, no matter where I was or what I was doing, whether I had starved myself skinny or binged myself bloated, the chains of disordered eating and body image held me hostage. It stole not only my confidence, but my joy and my ability to be fully present.

Not only was this harmful to me, but to others, because I could never love them without judging them first (yikes! Thats an ugly truth); nor could I fully listen and be there with them because my thoughts were entirely consumed on ME.

It took me years to see my food and body issues as more than harmful, but selfish and ultimately, a sin. 

I kept going.

2226. I can truly enjoy food without fear of it (making me fat) and in moderation, even resisting foods that aren’t the best for me.

 

2227. I can resist joining in with emotional binging when others are doing it.

 

2228. When I do slip up-  eat too much junk, binge or even realize I’m subconsciously choosing not to eat- I don’t let the guilt eat me alive. I use it as a cue that it’s time to acknowledge my error and simply move on, praying that God would help me to make better choices starting now.

Hello!!!! If I could put one million exclamation marks beside that I would. What a miracle this is. Oh my Great God!!!! You are faithful!!!

Until this morning I hadn’t fully realized the extent of my answered prayer.

You see, after battling with disordered eating and body issues for most of my youth and adult life, I’ve been praying- prostrate on the floor- (think screaming at demons and audibly claiming God’s promises and declaring truth over myself) for God to take this disease from me… for 10 years! ; begging him to heal me, entirely and give me freedom from the destruction of disordered eating.

Friends, this has not been a passive fight. It’s been a battle! And I’ve waged war on a daily basis. Yet for 10 years I felt like God would never fully heal me; that like Paul, this would be the forever “thorn in my side.” 

And still I praised him. I gave him Glory. I trusted him to use it for good.

 

And now here I sit today a free and victorious woman in Christ.

Wow. Those words feel absolutely surreal to type.

To be honest, I want to backspace; delete those words in fear that saying it will somehow make them fleeting and me backslide into old ways.

But I know that in life I will be tempted and I will NEED (active present tense) God to continue to walk in freedom. I cannot do it on my own. But with God, I CAN DO ALL THINGS.

WHEN I AM WEAK (and God knows, I am so weak when it comes to body image and food) HE IS STRONGEST.

 

God is faithful. Period. End of story.

 

So the question is: will we continue to trust him, even if it takes 700 years to answer our prayers or if we never see the answer in our lifetime?

What is it you’re waiting on God for?

 

 

_________________

Disordered eating and body image is a disease and I believe wholeheartedly in seeking the assistance and counsel of professionals on the path to healing. I worked for 6 months with FREE TO BE COUNSELLING to discover the root of my issues and start working on reordering my distorted mind.

Ultimately, God is the only one who can free us and make us whole again, but we can’t just sit back and expect him to do everything (which is largely what I had done for 9.5 years). We must do our part also and for me this was the difference.

Other resources I found helpful:

• It’s Not How you Look, It’s What you See – Lisa Bevere
• ReShaping it All – Candace Cameron Bure
• Devotions for a Healthier You – Katie Farrell

 

What do Perfectionism, Control, Vulnerability and Love have in Common?

My pregnancy was the beginning of an unravelling – of finding the end of my rope – and the battle grounds to surrender.

I was blinded by my own abilities and talents, by my self-discipline and self-motivated ways. If something needed doing, leave it to me. If something needed changing, give me the steps to follow. From my career, to my marriage, to my health and even my faith, I had everything “under control.”

But the problem with control is that it’s simply an illusion, because we are only ever “in control” when things are within our ability to control them!

Read that again.

We are only ever “in control” when things are within our ability to control them!

 

And what is it we can control? Our thoughts, our perception, our attitude, our response and reactions. But that’s about it.

And the problem was, I spent 80% of my life worrying and striving to control things that were out of my control.

I strived to be perfect in everything: to have the perfect career, be the perfect friend, daughter, wife and Christian woman; to have the perfectly clean house and cook x number of days a week; to have the perfect body, eating habits and work out routine; to never get mad, angry or frustrated with people (to their face); to help out and give (time, resources, money) even when it was at the determinant to my personal priorities; over commenting in fear of letting people down; marking every Christian “check box” to keeping and progressing in my faith….

 

I was bound by (my) laws and rules and if I broke even one, I believed I was a terrible person- a failure and surely I needed to try harder.

I tried – and tried some more- until I nearly died. 

And if I boiled it all down, it was all simply an attempt to control what people thought about me and whether they liked me; things that are completely 100% of our my control!

The accolades and achievement were striving to feel worthy. The over committing was striving to be liked. The helping and giving was striving to be accepted. The perfect marriage and body were striving to be wanted. And the perfect faith was striving to be loved.

 

But what was the real motivator behind my behaviour- the master that held me slave to my striving: FEAR; Of People seeing me – really seeing me- of being found out, rejected and ultimately unloved.

Do we see the vicious cycle?

 

The reality is, perfectionism – the chase for perfect – is entirely unattainable because we cannot control the uncontrollable. And when we spend 80% of our energies trying to control what isn’t within our abilities, we have no energy left to work on what we can control. And we ultimately end up feeling like a failure at everything!

 

Perfectionism is a myth and a lie. It’s completely and entirely impossible to achieve and in chasing it, we’re setting ourselves up for failure in every area of our life. We will never win the race, we will never arrive and we will never find lasting peace, joy or contentment on this journey.

And every area we struggle in is an arrow pointing to a genuine problem with our heart- a referral pain to the deeper issue down below:

 

• Eating disorders
• Anxiety
• Achievement
• Accolades
• Addiction
• Workaholism
• Fear
• Worry
• Stress
• Glorifying “Busy”
• Indecisiveness
• Sexual Strongholds

What do all these things have in common? Control.

They were an attempt at grasping for control. And while I attempted to balance the spinning plates for years, they kept me blinded to the real problem – pain I’d simply kept pushing down deeper.

 

The problem with pain is that when unresolved it continuously resurfaces in our life, many times deceiving us, because it looks different the last time. 

My perfectionistic ways were simply masks – armour I was using to protect myself from being seen- from having to acknowledge and own the pain from my past.

 

When we choose to hide our real selves from the world- when we omit the messy hard parts of our lives and keep them hidden the world – we cloak ourselves in shame.

 

Shame is a word we all struggle to connect with or we reserve for people who have done “really bad things.” But the fact is:

Shame is universal. We all have it, but it’s triggers and how it manifests itself behaviourally looks different for everyone.

What it does have in common for all of us is feelings of fear, anger, sadness, depression, blame, disconnection and loneliness.

 

So if we look at the areas in our life where we feel like that, we’ll discover that truthfully, were blanketed in shame; there’s something we’re running from or something were choosing to hide, maybe even from ourselves.

 

And the key to removing the cloak – to breaking free from shame-  while simple in theory, can be extremely difficult in practice.

 

Vulnerability.

 

Vulnerability is the key to breaking the chains of shame- of all the negative feelings we’d rather run from.

 

If we imagine a graph, shame on one end, and acceptance and love on the other, then vulnerability is the dial the moves us from one to the other.

 

When we choose to allow our selves to be seen- when we have the courage to own our stories and share them with others no matter how marred or messy- we give others permission to own their own hard parts.

When we can learn to sit in our own dark cave and not run from it, than we can sit with others in theirs.

And what does that do? It connects us.

 

And connection is the key to feelings of love, acceptance, belonging, joy, meaning and ultimately purpose.

 

16-18 Whenever, though, they turn to face God …they suddenly recognize that God is a living, personal presence.  Nothing between us and God, our faces shining with the brightness of his face. And so we are transfigured much like the Messiah, our lives gradually becoming brighter and more beautiful as God enters our lives and we become like him.

So what does it take to do this? How can we begin to embrace vulnerability and own our stories?

It starts with taking an honest look in the mirror.

 

• What do we struggle with?
• What do we dread others finding out or seeing about ourselves?
• What parts of our past do we want to hide or are ashamed of?
• In what ways do we beat ourselves up, harm ourselves or push our selves into “behaving?”

 

It starts there, with a pen and paper, writing them down and choosing to no longer hide them; to own who we really are, right now in this current season, and trusting we’re not alone.

Take just one thing, go and share it with someone.

Might I suggest God first?

He is faithful and just to forgive us, heal us and make us new when we seek him with our whole heart.

 4 Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes. 5 God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure.

 

But we must remember, our lives are in a perpetual cycle of learning, growing and ultimately of surrendering control; moving into a deeper relationship of trust and intimacy with The Lord.

 

God knows what we need and when. He’s not impatient or hurried to see us smarten up and get our act together. He is patience, steadfast, gentle and merciful, seeing us not for who we are now or defining us by our circumstance; he sees us for who we are in Christ- for the women we will become and for all he designed us to be.

 

The ultimate rose cored glasses if you will. Not because he’s a fool in love [but he is that too!] but because of our inheritance in Christ- the ultimate gift we’ve been given through his death.

 

God is slowly at work in our lives, ever refining us, purifying our minds and transforming our hearts to be more like Jesus, until the day of Christ’s return.

 

When all you see, Is who you don’t wanna be

If I’m honest, I balled my eyes out watching this. Buckets.

 

I did’t expect to be knees deep in tears on a sunday morning…

Sure I’m hormonal but that’s hardly the point.

The reality is, I can fake it ’till I make it and I’ve been doing it since I was a child.

 

In everything from my work, my dreams, my hobbies, my fears, to my battles and demons and the ugly in-between.

I can lie to the person in the mirror, when I hate everything it reflects. I speak truth over it – try and counter it with the mind- but does my heart know it to be true? No.

It doubts it.

 

Days will come when you don’t have the strength
And all you hear is you’re not worth anything
Wondering if you ever could be loved

Before you ever took a breath
Long before the world began
Of all the wonders He possessed
There was one more precious
Of all the earth and skies above
You’re the one He madly loves
Enough to die

You’re beautiful
In His eyes

-Beautiful | Mercy Me

 

More than how I demand perfection from myself,  I wage war with everyone else’s idea of perfect. Trying to be and please everyone but my Father, first.

Every under eye circle, every pimple, every wrinkle, every bloated tummy, every less than awesome outfit…. they taunt me.

Sure when I’m wrapped up pretty and “ready” for the day, I feel great and faking it comes easy. It’s the paint;  it masks my insecurity – how I’m truly feeling deep down inside.

Like it’s all a sham. It’s all a lie.

Because underneath, I hate what I see. When I unmask from the charade I pick myself apart and I will it to be different.

 

I skald uniqueness, rather than treasure my sculptor’s signature on me.

I hide my flaws of character, rather than wear my story with pride.

I compete with every impossibility, rather than love where I’ve been blessed.

 

 

And yet I know that I am made in his image. Every curve, every freckle, intentional and with purpose.

 

When I cry in despair, He weeps from my rejection.

When I damn my imperfections, he makes beauty from my ashes.

When I hide in self hate torment, he dances over me in heaven.

 

Lord, let me see me from your eyes. Remind me who I am.

 

In the mirror when all I see Is who I don’t wanna be

In the loneliest places when I cant remember what grace is

When I cant receive Your love afraid I’ll never be enough

If I’m Your beloved can You help me believe it

I’m the one You love and That will be enough.

-Remind me who I am | Jason Gray

 

 

 

To save her from herself

“She loves food!.” He exclaimed. “We’ve been together for years and I never even realized how much she loves to eat. She’s got massive will power though and she’s so disciplined.”

He spoke with such amazement, almost proud.

“How so,” I ask.

My mind starts whirling. Flashes of my war with food start racing and quietly I will his next words to be anything but my minds.

“Well for example, she loves this dish I make. So much that she forbid me to ever make it again. It’s so good!”

He goes on to list every delicious morsel of ooey, gooey goodness, laden with heaps of buttery delight.

“When I made it the first time, she ate the whole casserole dish! Not in one serving, but throughout that night. She loved it!”

I proceed to ask more questions, each answer pointing to the truth I so desperately want to banish…

…from her life. From my life. From the lives of every 1 out of 3 women who battle an eating disorder, and live in a war zone each and everyday.

The hardest part? This battle ground you can’t escape. Your body. Your mind. Your very skin.

They, me, us. Living each and every day in an invisible hallocaust, begging silently for someone to save us from ourselves.

I took the deepest breath I could and silently whispered a prayer. I would need the Holy Spirit to speak through me and prepare his heart for what I was about to share.

I told him my story; every aching and painful reality. The voices. The lies. The battle. The hatred and the agony. All directed at myself, the food that nourishes me and the body I have lived in slavery to.

“That’s not will power,” I explained, “That’s obsession; a coping mechanism she’s trained herself to do in defense. It’s how she’ll win the battle for today. Tomorrows another story.

You see, the lies, they never stop; We’re not good enough, pretty enough, skinny enough. And if we are that minute, we won’t be fine for long. Eat just one bite of the wrong thing, miss one day of working out and we’re well on our way to being a heffer tomorrow. We’ll never be good enough or worthy of being loved unless we’re perfect.  At least thats what we subconsciously tell ourselves, without even realizing it. We even believe the lies to be our own thoughts.

That eating of the whole casserole? That’s not love. It’s hatred. It the forbidden fruit she’s just tasted. And the lies they get louder with every bite. But she’s already screwed up and ate it. She knows she’s “never allowed to eat this or do that again.” But she’s already fallen off the bandwagon, she mind as well make it good one- an epic fail! So She’ll eat the whole thing

When it’s done, guilt and shame will follow her; a distended gut, her dunce cap of punishment. Mirrors will taunt and mimic her stupidity and her mind will whistle the tune of “ugly, fat, not good enough.” … for hours, for days, for weeks.. however long it takes her to “be in control again and appease the image in the mirror.

So, she’ll try harder. She won’t let it happen again. From the binge, comes the purge cycle, be it a physical purge, or simply an elimination of anything ” not healthy.” And working out will be her pennence, while she tricks herself into thinking she’s “got this.”

You see foods the strongest enemy and ourselves the tattling five year old. And exercise? Well it’s the best friend who’s really a frienemy, and disguises her evil motives.

It’s a battle she’ll never win, only succumb to more and more. Slowly but surely, she’ll kill every part of hope, every like she once had in herself, every food and movement that once brought her joy and made her feel alive.

This is 1 in every 3 girls reality; the war with food continues.

And the world thinks we’re healthy. We’re active and we’re disciplined. They praise us for our vainity and ask pointers for our ways. They feed the monster thats slowly killing us and ripping the very essence of our joy.

This evil epidemic has gone unnoticed, not talked about for far too long.. why? because we’re too ashamed to admit it. Too stubborn to “let go” and find freedom. Fear tells us it’s not possible and our coping isn’t so bad!

And as players in the game, we’ve fed each others obsession and quietly cheered each other on to the gates of hell..

A living reality that needs to stop. It’s time we shed light on the truth.

_____________

If you are facing a battle with food or an obsession with exercise, it’s time you face the truth. Reach out for help. Tell someone, anyone who you feel safe with whats really going on.There is help. There is freedom. There is another life with healing!

If you have a friend, an acquaintance or a family member that deals with an eating disorder; or you know someone who you suspect is struggling, please tell someone.

While attacking them face on is not always the best tactic, reaching out to someone who loves them with the truth is paramount. Quietly, in secret, that women is begging you to save her.

She may not have the words to ask or the willpower to leave the battle herself, but acknowledgment is the first step to healing and you may be her only chance.

rage against the machine

As I put on and took off every article of work out gear I owned, I poked and prodded at my body.  The mirror silently mocked me, as I wished away his temple – the vary place he chooses to dwell, in me- to call home, despite its bumps and bruises.

No, our King does not demand luxury, or a polished palace of perfection. He first chose hay and now he’s chosen me.

Rather than being grateful for all my body gives me and honouring the beauty in how I was created, I focus on every morsel of imperfection.  I allow the taunting to suffocate me till I’m knees to the floor weeping in despair.

I’m not good enough, pretty enough or perfect enough. The minute I start to let go and start to live free- to not live handcuffed to his lies and bound by chains of perfectionism- I’m right back here, hating myself.

I know better, but still I lie myself, buying into Satan’s game.

He taunts back.

It’s ok. Just get back on track; return to your old routine. You’ve got this. You can control this.

I stop the tears and hear the thoughts for what they are. Lies.

_________________

We return from the gym, that sweet friend and I. And as we stand in the kitchen I listen as the lies spill out, this time from her mouth and not my own.

The hate. The comparison. The despair of imperfection.

The if only’s of wanting to look like so and so.

STOP! I said. This needs to stop. We’re stripping each other of our worth. While I’m tearing myself apart, you’re begging to be someone else and we’re quietly killing ourselves!

We are more than our bodies. More than the food. More than the numbers of times we hit the gym.

It needs to stop. Right here. Right now. It begins with you and me.

Friend, We were made in his imagine and crafted with purpose; a masterpiece uniquely of its own. There will never be another you in all the world, so truly what are you waiting for?

When we own our self worth and the temple in which we’ve been given, we subconsciously give others permission to do the same. When we shine our light and embrace our imperfections, we allow others the space to also.

If I’d stop comparing, so would you and together we’ll find healing and wholeness. 

Friends, Satan’s winning a silent holocaust, while you and I rally him on.

Let’s start living like real women and stop using each other as his victory lap!

________________

Today, call out the beauty in your girlfriend,  your mother or even a stranger. Tell them what you love about them, what you believe is their greatest feature.

Yes. I know we’re more than our looks but taking a moment, to honour the beauty of creation- cause thats what you and I are- won’t kill us or make us arrogant.

Maybe it’ll be the one sentence she’ll remember all day, that will put a spring in her step and help her thank God for what he’s blessed her with… herself!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Sprouted Kitchen

This fall, I discovered a cookbook that has transformed my view of food, the community that’s built around it and the love thats poured out in preparing it.

I have always struggled in the kitchen [other than baking], easily frustrated when things don’t turn out exactly like the pictures in the cookbooks and don’t taste quite right because the techniques used in preparing them were beyond me

And with a life time war with food surrounding me, I earnestly feared food; I believed that if I truly enjoyed it and experimented with all it had to offer, I would loose control. So I stuck to boring, bland and very basic foods. Never truly enjoying it… [other than gorging on bad for you refined sugar. Let’s be honest, people!]

I spotted the book while out with my family one day and felt a nudge. I turned the pages and knew I had to get it… this cookbook was going to be different. [I actually put the book down, because I heard Dave Ramsey and my Financial Peace University training say in my head, “Do you really need this?” But luckily, my mom saw how much I wanted it and sneaked it behind my back as an anniversary gift! So grateful and surprised!]

The Sprouted Kitchen is a whole foods [I like to buy local, organic also] approach to cooking, that’s approachable, yet delicious and equally striking in presentation. As Sara puts it, the cook contains “100 recipes ranging from breakfast to salads to snacks to happy hour ideas. There are loads of ideas for cooking with seasonal produce, and simple, tasty, wholesome dishes for family and friends. I tried to keep things approachable, while also keeping a light attitude towards “health food.” Sara shares little excepts and stories on each page from her experiences in creating the recipe, which happen to be my favourite part! I feel like I’m standing in the kitchen next to a friend.

My husband and I have spent the first half of this fall working our way through it’s collection of recipes, recording in it’s pages who each was shared with and how much we enjoyed it. Every recipe is more delicious than the next and they actually turn out just as beautiful as the photos! It makes me feel like the mini martha I want to be for my husband.

God is transforming me, slowly but surely, paving the way to victory in this struggle and this book has been a blessing – a tool that he’s used to show me all he intended food to be! It’s become a discovery journal and testament of hope and freedom.

Dave is over joyed and on more than one occasion, expressed that this book has been an answer to his prayers also- that his wife would desire to prepare with love meals for him and that I would unabashedly fall in love with eating! And that I have. It’s like rediscovering my taste buds all over again. He looks over and smiles at me each time we’re savouring a meal together- ”I love that you love food!”

While God worked through her in the making of this book, he has truly blessed it and used it for his Glory.
For those of you seeking a similar discovering with food, or even those with an earnest love for whole foods cooking, I would encourage you to pick up a copy.

If you’d like to support a local store when purchasing it, I nabbed my copy at West Elm Market on South Granville.

Made to Crave

We desire desperately to hear from Jesus. We want to mature as passionate Christian women and seek him whole heartedly. We want to FEEL him-  his presence in our lives. So, We pray diligently that he would create a hunger in us – an unwavering flame of enthusiasm for his word and to be in close relationship with him. Because it’s in this place that we feel most alive and on fire with true propose and intent for our life. Can I get an Amen?!

Our prayers are fervent, heartfelt and sometimes loud [I tend to have a personal flair for the dramatic from time to time], but when our prayers come back “unanswered” and we lack the “God luster ” we were hoping for, we fall frustrated to our knees kicking and screaming…..

“Why God!? I want to experience you like never before. I’m ready!”

But to experience something we’ve never felt before [even if it’s simply an intensity we’ve yet to reach], we must do what we’ve never yet done! We fail, many times to see, that we ourselves are usually the problem.

In order to see God, hear him and experience him deeper, we must seek him like never before- with everything we’ve got and every desire we own. But as in most worthwhile pursuits, to seek something diligently, with gazelle intensity, passion and focus, we must first hunger for it, deny it and eventually crave it. And until we crave it, to the point where everything else ceases to exist before it, we won’t pursue it with everything we’ve got.

Think about it: You’re on a new health kick, perhaps a diet or new fitness regime. You’ve planned to kick the sugar cravings square in the noggin and work out 3x a week consistently. Day one you’re golden. You’ve got this and you’re determined. Day two you wake with enthusiasm but by 8pm, you’re willing bed to come, if only to kill the hunger pains. Day three brings with it struggle; you’re enthusiasm is wavering and you’re starting to feel bored with the cheesless, sauceless variation of salad you’re munching. Not to mention your butt and thighs are killing and you’ve discovered muscles you didn’t know you had, again! Then thursday roles around and you’re downright soar, frustrated , cranky and feeling deprived.

You think, “well I’ve been good for three whole days and I’m already feeling better! A little rest will do my body good. I’ll be more motivated and ready to work harder tomorrow.” And before you know it, you’ve succumb to an evening on the couch. Next up, the famous DQ commercial, with it’s rich, silky blizzards and it’s delicious up-side down trick. In no time, your minds racing and thoughts of grabbing your car keys won’t stop swirling. You might deny it a few times, but quickler than the average sitcom, you’re on your way and drooling until your fantasy becomes a reality and your scarfing the ice cream classic. [Is it obvious I’m speaking from experience?!]

The fact is you caved FAR too easy and failed miserably at the first sign of temptation and testing. A big ol’ F is what you deserve. You gave into your fleshly craving for instant gratification and comfort in food, while forfeiting the potential to create a hunger and craving for the benefits and joy of a healthier lifestyle.  In the end, that new routine would bring you victory and you gave up, before you were barely out the gate!

My friend, meet your flesh. The tricky, manipulative, devil on your shoulder thats derails much of our good intentions.

By feeding your flesh, you’ve killed the hunger before it’s barely begun and without the development of hunger you’ll never develop a craving for anything other than what you’re giving into now.

Our flesh fights hard because it knows there’s victory in overcoming it. When we deny ourself, embrace our weakness and struggles and bear it, we are walking in obedience with our Lord.

 “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.” Luke 9:23

Because until we’ve come to experience trials with perseverance and learnt to anticpate them with acceptance, well never come to know victory in our lives.

God never promised Life would be easy. In fact be promised the opposite, cause  he’s more concerned with our condition than our comfort! He comes to Comfort the afflict and afflict the comfortable.

The  greatest things in life are worth  fighting for and it’s in the battle for them that we come to know joy and learn to dance amoung the rain! You had to experience the bad before you can appreciate the good for all it’s worth. You can’t comfort until you can relate and you don’t see Jesus until you see your need for him. It takes facing the ugly, plowing through with preserverance and trusting God to deliver us, before we can reap the reward of our harvest. Victory comes through battle, not a dodge around the puddle.

^” Joseph was a strikingly handsome man. As time went on, his master’s wife became infatuated with Joseph and one day said, “Sleep with me.” He wouldn’t do it. He said to his master’s wife, “Look, with me here, my master doesn’t give a second thought to anything that goes on here—he’s put me in charge of everything he owns. He treats me as an equal. The only thing he hasn’t turned over to me is you. You’re his wife, after all! How could I violate his trust and sin against God?” She pestered him day after day after day, but he stood his ground. He refused to go to bed with her.” Genesis 39:6-10

Take Joseph as a perfect example. He was tempted daily, persistently by someone of major influence to sin against God and his master. And despite the calling of his flesh [let’s be honest. He’s a man after all and she’s a beautiful woman adorned from head to tow in riches and beauty] he denied himself, each and every day with poise and determination, not giving in or even entertaining the thought. [Your mind is your greatest battlefield] He stood strong in his faith, not letting time and repeated testing wear him down.

When your flesh fights hard, whether its your desire to quit, give up or give in, fight back and lean into God with all you’ve got. Ask him to give you what you need to not stumble and to resist  with Joy, considering trial a blessing, knowing the other side is worth the fight. After all Messiah, starts with the word M-E-S-S.

It’s time we own the fact we need him and stop entering battle alone.

Like that God sized void the world is desperately trying to fill with everything other than God himself, we, as his children need to stop killing our hunger for him, by feeding our flesh before it’s barely thirsty. Cause when we’re full on everything else we’ll never have room for him.

We were made to crave, but in a world of plenty- of abundance and excess- we far too often live as the world does, stuffing our desires and feeding our cravings, with the longings of our flesh, rather than it’s true cries answer- Jesus.

• We run to food for both pleasure and comfort before coming to him in petition or thanksgiving
• We turn on the tv to “rejuvenate and relax” before opening our bible or resting in his presence through prayer
• We push to meet our “goals for the future” rather than seeking his will for today
• We rush to meet our deadlines, rather than helping our neighbour take up her groceries
• We busy ourselves working for God, rather than taking time to know him
• We seek acceptance from everyone else before the vary one who made us
• We reach to be worthy, heard and important before tending to his basic command to love others above ourselves
• We compare and justify our sin against others rather than repenting to find freedom
• We schedule in our meetings, our date nights and our coffee, but “fit in” our bible study and our prayer time
• We give in to our cravings, fall off band wagons and fail miserably because we’re determined to do it in our own strength, rather than in his

What we lack among many things, is self-control  to push past our discomforts, to be be diligent in our prayers and persisent in our quest to get our strength from God alone.

“You are already living as God has taught you, but try even harder! Don’t be a slave of your desires or live like people who don’t know God.” 1 Thessalonians 4:1,5

Pray with me, won’t you: Lord God, temptation surrounds me everyday. Like Joseph, may my heart be yours, so I will refuse to sin against you. Help me to see my areas of weakness and struggle for what they are and reveal to me any ways, in which I have sinned against you. Fill my heart with such love and reverence for you, that I may resist temptation, have self-control and the will-power to not cave to my fleshly desires, keeping my body, your home, pure, clean and holy before you. I specifically pray for ___________[voice your area of struggle at the moment]. Thank you that in you I have victory. I praise you and thank you in advance for helping me overcome this struggle. Amen!

My Journey with Food

The truth is I’ve struggled with food my whole life. It’s been a love hate relationship I navigated liked stormy seas, either barely treading water or sinking miserably. I spent more years of my childhood than I can count on one hand staring at my body in the mirror, analyzing it’s every curve and cupping my waste between my two hands to ensure my fingers touched. Nearly 30 hours a week in a body suit didn’t help [once piece dance garment].

I can hardly remember conversations from my teen years, muffled and stolen by the obsessive calorie counting that controlled my every thought. Over and over I’d list off the food I’d eaten, counting every morsel that passed my lips.

It got so bad, that I could convince myself I’d eaten a cake by simply staring at it long enough. By my late teens, I stopped perspiring and would get sent out of dance class for not working hard enough. “If I wasn’t sweating, how could I be giving it my all?” My teacher would protest. My attitude didn’t help much. I was permanently moody from the hunger pains I learnt to praise- markers for a day of neglecting food, well done.

There were points in my life where I’d come back from the deep end and realize how deadly and scary my obsession had become. A period of time would pass, where I’d allow myself to eat more normally and enjoy food as my family and friends did. But soon enough I’d reach a tipping point, where I couldn’t face my naked self in the mirror and I’d be back on the roller coaster of unhealthy eating habits. Binge and Fast; the premise of my journey with food for nearly 15 years.

As my relationship with God matured and he began to refine me [more like do an overhaul] , he showed me quickly how deeply engrained my obsession with food and vanity had become. A lie had been planted by Satan many years ago and over time, I had allowed it to become “truth”, even accepting Satan’s voice as my own. While many of the lies were surface things, such as believing I couldn’t be loved if I didn’t look a certain way or that I was much “bigger” than I truly was, the root of the lie was so much deeper. It preyed on the vary thing that kept me furthest from God for years: acceptance, my need for control and my desire to “have everything together and wrapped up pretty.”

I had come to believe that if I didn’t look perfect on the outside, people would begin to question my inside. They’d know I was weak. They’d know I was broken. They’d mock me. And no one would be my friend.

I viewed perfection as my credibility in all things.

I had come to the end of myself and knew that if anything was going to change, it would have to be God led and inspired. I’d already tried everything I could think of, from learning about nutrition, forming healthy eating and workout habits, going for counselling, reading every self help book I could get my hands on and owning up to it to family and friends. In essence, I tried everything I could try, but in my own strength. And none of it worked.

So I laid it at his feet, repented of my foolish and all consuming sin [allowing a silly thing like food to take priority and focus over God in my life] and prayed that he would heal me and restore me to full health. If there was anything he needed me to do, I’d do it. Just simply say the word, Holy Spirit, and I will jump.

The first leg of my recovery came from an encounter with Lisa Bevere and the transformational healing that took place through her book, “You are not what you weigh.” In it I discovered how I had allowed food to become an idol that I worshipped over God; that I trusted it and myself, more than I did Jesus. And so long as I tried to control the situation and find my identity and worth in it, I’d be in bondage. I was choosing to be in slavery, rather than accept the easy yoke of Christ! I experienced the power of true repentance and the healing that follows, as God opened my eyes, freed me from my obsessive thinking, changed the way I saw food and restored my digestive system back to health. [I had stopped producing electrolytes, my metabolism had slowed and I had developed gluten and dairy intolerance] It truly was a miracle, God orchestrated.

But like the onions that we are, God is never truly done. ‘Cause when one layers been shed, there’s another to be peeled, until we finally reach the core or the root of our problem.

I experienced months of new found joy and contentment with food before old habits crept in again. And with a few busy months behind me, including 2 weeks of travel, I found myself feeling sluggish, opting for chips and a second serving of ice cream, rather than a run and my go-to protein smoothie. I felt jailed by my cravings, unable to say no, with little motivation to eat clean or work out.

I prayed for guidance and felt the Holy Spirit nudge me towards a juice cleanse. Nothing serious; just a simple 3 day detox to rid myself of the cravings. This had nothing to do with loosing weight and my heart was entirely in the right place. I’ve learnt my lesson. I want to walk in obedience, turning from the things that steal my focus and attention from God.

Those three days were nothing short of war; a test of my faith and perseverance! I was permanently “hAngry,” my days were packed back to back with disappointing and frustrating meetings, my vehicle broke down, nearly leaving me stranded in the middle of the highway with no hazard lights and I had no energy to answer the incessant phone calls and texts from everyone who needed me [many of whom I love dearly and truly needed my prayers and support]. Every fibre in my being wanted to scream from the rooftops how terrible my days were treating me and drive through dairy queen to make myself feel better; but instead I chose to hang on, keep my nose in his word and give thanks.

And friends, I’m so glad I did. ‘Cause on the other side there was light and clarity.  I see now why Satan fought so hard to derail me in those 3 days.

You see, I discovered something; a root of ingratitude and poor return for the kindness and love that God has shown me. I’d become numb to some of the basic blessings that I should be giving thanks for every day, like food, water and shelter.

I’d taken for granted the feeling of being full, even despising it and abusing it’s gift – keeping me healthy and letting me know when my body needs fuel or has had enough. There are people every day, starving for just ONE morsel and here I was wishing away the feeling of being full because it meant bloating and uncomfortable jean buttons!

I didn’t appreciate that food is the fuel that allowed me to stay focused during the day, get to and do the things I needed to and be joyful all the while doing them! It gives me the energy to share Jesus with others, show compassion to those who are hurting, love until it’s uncomfortable and show mercy to difficult people.

Without fuel, I’m an empty, angry, defeated shell. How ever then, can I be a light and disciple without food?

Lord forgive me for not seeing this sooner and thank you for unveiling my eyes. Your blessings are abundant both profound and simple. Yet every one of them intentional, with purpose and a mission. May I never again take for granted the blessings of food, the fuel it provides and the community that is built enjoying it together. I praise you and worship you in Jesus’ name, Amen!

Rediscovering Food

For years, I had a love-hate relationship with food; It controlled my life, my thoughts and my habits. At seventeen, after years of living with anorexia, I sought help. And from that help, blossomed a genuine thirst for knowledge; knowledge about my body, how it worked and how the food I ate, affected  it. In the years following, my appreciation for the food that fuels my body flourished. I shared my experiences with many and helped introduce several, to a life of clean eating and moderation. (after all what fun is life, if you can’t indulge every once in a while.)

And while I slowly regained control, I still carefully watched how things were prepared and how much I chose to enjoy. This past year, it became evident that while food did not control my life, it still had a strong hold on me and I wasn’t appreciating it for all it was worth. I steered clear of new and fun recipes, unless there was a clean recipe somewhere to be found. And in that, I lost my desire to experiment with it, something I truly love to do. The mini-martha in me cries!

While on my honeymoon, I prayed that God would reveal to me any strongholds on my life and areas he wished for me to recognize and work on: food and the female body was first up! I spent many hours in prayer and reflection, asking God to remove my fears of “not looking perfect”, to bring about acceptance to embrace the body I’ve been given and re-ignite my love of food. For the first time ever, I saw the female body in all it’s splendid glory and enjoyed food (and drink) like never before in my life! While I knew this in the back of my head, food is truly one thing that brings us together; as friends, family and even, as strangers.

So, as I returned home, I vowed to keep sight of all that God had revealed and in that, re-explore the beauty of food. I promised to try new recipes, take time to prepare “real” meals, not just for dinner and prepare them with gratitude and love ; to join forces with my hubby and adventure together, in creating the perfect dish;  to make the extra effort to set the table, turn on the music and sit, to enjoy together.

Two weeks down and over a dozen meals in, I feel liberated. I am eager to keep going, challenge my skills and share the goodness I’ve created with others.  I’ll be sure to post my endeavors and if good, include the recipes. I hope it inspires the martha in you, even if a little.

Bon Appetite, Lovelies!