A burning hunger

One of my many take aways from the She Loves Conference, were three of Lisa Bevere‘s books; “You aren’t what you weigh,” “Out of Control and Loving it” and finally, “The Measure of a Woman”. I fell in love with Lisa as she spoke throughout the weekend- her frank boldness, her quirky, unapologetic demeanour and her unbashful love of serving God and empowering women to do the same…

Funny thing is, I bought the books before hearing her speak and to be quite honest, I had never heard of her. I walked into the conference, unknowingly nearly 2 hours early and found myself perusing the book store. I felt led to these books and despite putting them down multiple times, felt compelled to buy them. I didn’t know why these three….. until I opened the first page of book one and started to cry.

I had gone to the conference expecting to hear from God, nearly demanding that he reveal himself to me. My nerves were on full unrest; I knew full well, a revealation was coming… I would not be the same woman walking out, as I was the woman walking in.

I devoured the first book in less than 48 hours, [unheard of for me! I'm a slow reader and I can't bare to sit still reading unless in bed or the beach] feeling as though a veil was being torn from my eyes. I saw myself, my bondage, my sin and God’s character in a whole new light. I had work to do and it was time to set things straight… to put God before everything else, including myself, my business and my social life.

After seeking guidance and wisdom in prayer, in became clear I needed to do a fast, but not that which you would typically think, food. I needed to fast of the distractions in my life- the things that keep me from seeking God throughout the day- the things I put before him – the things that keep his will at bay, in favour of my own, despite my best efforts for the prior.

While everyone’s distractions are different, mine became clear: Social Media [facebook and Instagram], the internet, TV and Movies, coffee, wine, makeup, mirrors, comparing and a few food vices [chocolate, chips and ice cream]. For one week, I clearred the clutter entirely, cold turkey and sought God whole heartedly, like never before.

“Yet even now,” declares the Lord, “return to me with all your heart, with fasting, with weeping, and with mourning” ~ Joel 2:12

While I can in full honesty say I was a little scared, my desire to hear from God was stronger.. almost like a dull, burning, nagging hunger. I had no idea how I would “fill” my days, but as with the conference, went into it fully expecting answers- that God would reveal himself in a whole new way. And that he did….

I prayed. I read my bible. I went for long walks. I ran, played with my poochy on the ground and visited with neighbours I never seem to find the time to see. I listened to worship music, I journalled and journalled some more. I read two whole books! And as if he were sitting beside me, I heard from God.

He revealed my deepest fears; the things that were holding me back. He shone light into my darkest areas and powerfully broke chains from my past- both in my doing and done to me. He healed me. He loved me. He spoke… his love became real like never before.

My love for my husband deepender and my appreciation grew for who he is, his strengths and all that he adds to our marriage and this world. I saw the areas I needed to serve him better, as his wife and partner and ways he served me so willingly that I had taken for granted.

I experienced food for what it is truly meant to be… nurishment and community, not the idol I had made it in my life. It does not define me, my worth is not wrapped up in how much or little I eat nor does it determine my mood. [I battled an eating disorder for most of my youth and while I've managed to subside its harmful physical affects, it's still held me slave mentally for years. More on this later] He broke the chains, restored my metablosism and brought life to my tampered digestive system.

But the most powerful revelation was what I discovered in turning my back to social media. Its rewards more prominent and life changing than I imagined…

In the time I spend “away from the world,” it’s opinions, it’s busyness and it’s expectations, I experienced life, full and vibrant, like never before… even in the simple, quiet moments. I felt more alive than ever, my mind stayed focused on God and his will for my life, I stopped comparing myself and my business to other people ENTIRELY, I didn’t get off course from my mission and goals, I listened and had more meaningful conversations than I can count on two hands, I saw God every where, every single moment and I heard from him, clearly, audiably.

“Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is–his good, pleasing and perfect will.” ~ Romans 12:2 

Ground breaking, life altering revealations, my friends.

Even more so, he removed the desires of my heart, that were not my own and were holding me back from all he has planned for me. And in turn, filled me from the inside with a deep sense of belonging, contentent and new found focus for him- One more refined, heightened and alert than I’ve ever experienced.

Coming back to reality, I see the world a new, with eyes opened to the distractions that keep me from becoming the person he wants me to be and I carefully pray about bouncing back full hilt.

I’ve lost my desire for social media, nearly all together. It puts the created on a pedistol, rather than the creator and keeps my eyes focused on this world, rather than on him. And as wonderful as it is to stay connected with friends and colleuges afar, it taunts my weakness of feeling like I’m not enough, that I should be doing this or that instead of what I’m doing or causes me to spend more time in peoples’ words rather than HIS word….

I haven’t fully reintegrated and I’m still slowly but surely processing all he revealed in my week of fasting, but what I can say is this… if your striving, struggling or intent on knowing God more intimately, I would encourage you to break away for a while. Cut loose from the distractions [all of them] that keep you from seeking God with your whole heart…

Put your money where your mouth is and act BIG. Show him your serious and demand he reveal himself to you. He promises that…

“You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” ~ Jeremiah 29:13 

For such a time as this

I don’t know how I ended up there, but I knew with certainty I was meant to be there. God had a plan when I “happened” upon the She Loves Conference… an answer to the prayers, many prayers- not just one- that had been on my heart for months.

I’d been told there was something profound that happened at these conferences, which left me somewhat excited, yet nervous to be perfectly honest. I’d never been to a women’s conference before and had no idea what to expect. And up until now, my relationship with God had never been brought to such public light and forced into the open. [A conference with thousands of women far outcries sunday service or my personal sharings via my blog, business and social media outlets]  It was new ground- unchartered territory- for this passionate, Jesus loving entrepreneur!

But I went and waited with expectancy for God to reveal himself to me in a very real and profound way. And he did exactly that, but not in ways I imagined…

He worked miracle after miracle each of the three days- some small and others HUGE  [like life changing huge] and while I could write for hours sharing the intimate details of his workings, I fear it would be of little relevence to your life and bore you to no end.

But what I will share is this: God wants to know you, more intimately than you could ever imagine. He wants to heal you, fullfil you, speak to you, show you the future he has planned for you and use you as a vehicle to bring about passionate change in our world. He’s offering us a chance to be a part of something SO MUCH BIGGER than ourselves. ‘Cause regardless of how we see yourself- our education, background, our past or our weaknesses- we are qualified… called on, annointed and chosen by him to make waves in our nation! Heck, even our backyards.

We live in a dark time friends, where people are searching desperately for answers like never before! Everywhere you look, there’s so much pain, violence and void and the answer our world is looking for YOU, yes YOU, already have! It’s our all powerful, merciful, loving God, his son Jesus and the Holy Spirit.. the answer to every need!

“But who am I?“, We ask, “to be used by God of all people? I’m just me!”

The fact of the matter is, you, just as you are, is ENOUGH. Truly. God promises to equift us with all that we lack and require to be his hands and feet. We simply need to be open to the idea and willing to say, “YES! Use me Lord!” , regardless of how scared we are or how obsurd the idea may seem, trusting that he will work in  and through us to accomplish the impossible.. to make a difference, make his name known and change our world!

It’s time we step up, stop walking life in our own ways and allow God to use us for Good! I know when I die, I want to leave a legacy… one of love, mercy and redemption… of justice and victory.

“Let’s keep focused on that goal, those of us who want everything God has for us. If any of you has something else in mind, less than total commitment, God will clear your blurred vision…. There are many out there taking other paths, choosing other goals and trying to get you to go along with them. … But easy street is a dead end street! There’s far more to life for us. We’re citizens of high heaven!” Philippians 3: 15-16, 18, 21

So how about it? Will you join me in partnering with God and allowing the Holy Spirit to lead us and guide us where God wants us to go!

The time is now… he made us to be brave and bold, for such a time as this!

Waiting with Expectancy

God’s been working in my heart a lot lately showing me the worlds [and my own]  deep routed need for forgiveness and what it truly means to love those right in front of us. And as with most things, He’s working on me in a season of waiting… perfectly timed as always Lord.

I had been sensing a shift, deep down in my heart the last few months. One of letting go. Letting go of the things I planned for my future, my need to control my every day and the hierarchy of priorities I had established for myself.  He’s been showing me, slowly but surely, what it means to align my will with his and give each day to him… whole heartedly.

Some days, that means tending to clients, ensuring they are helped, given advice and preparing for not only a wedding, but  a lifetime in marriage. While others, it means shutting down my computer early to help a friend out, reach out to someone who’s hurting or simply get outside to savour the sunshine.

There’s been a lot more quiet around our house as of late and after clearing the clutter, yet again earlier this month, [I said no to a long list of work opportunities that I normally would have jumped at, so that I could focus on what really matters and prepare for a busy wedding season ahead] there been a lot of what’s felt like unfilled time, slow days and a smaller than usual list of A priorities to tend to. I’ve been fighting feelings of laziness, inadequacy and guilt. [my pride hurts as I type this and wants to hide behind distraction and create busyness] Because my old self and the lies of the enemy tell me I’m nothing unless I’m busy every single moment of the day. That if I don’t take every opportunity that comes my way, I’m going to miss my big break. That if I have slow days, that means I don’t have enough work, that I’m not contributing enough to my family and our goals to get out of debt and that I should just quit this whole entrepreneur gig already, run out and get a real job like a “normal person.” [Wow. I can't believe I just wrote that. Those awful lies have pierced me for years and I'm pretty sure that's the first time I'm ever written them out like that.]

But here’s the truth of the matter…

a) It’s what I call an “in-between season” right now. I’ve just finished my second booking season, and as usual, there’s a 2 month lag before my busy season starts. This is completely normal and routine. Nothing to work yourself into a frenzy over. This season is one to breath and savour time outside and with the ones I love most, before my weekends get swallowed whole by events and must-tend to priorities, even on my off days ….   b) My worth and my identity are not determined by my work, my accomplishments, my check book, my client roster, or my schedule. That busyness is a distraction and half the time, I used to fill my days with side projects, social media, research aka: comparing and B/C list priorities…. and c) if I actively seek God in every decision, aligning my will with his for my life, I’m hard pressed to miss my “big break.” My definition of success of not what it used to be and  what I really want for my life is what he wants for it; nothing less, northing more.

God’s called me away from the distractions and in this quiet space, this time in between, He’s slowly revealing to me the plans He has for me-  That when I listen to His promptings and spend those “slow days” focusing on what He wants me to do, rather than filling it with meaningless distractions that fake me into feeling accomplished, He’ll finish the work He’s started in me- refining my heart, aligning my will with His and teaching me to wait patiently in expectancy, trusting in His every promise, not the worlds.

Oh God, you are so good. Your ways are SO FAR from my own. And while at first glance, they may seem counterproductive, when I look closely, I see their truth, their necessity and perfect intentional purpose.

PS: As I look back now at this post, I see that God’s taken over, yet again. I sat down to write about what he’s been teaching me on unforgiveness and what it means to love as he does. It appears he wanted me to face my fears and be honest with myself, sharing my struggles and vulnerability. I’m thinking someone else is needing this reality check and encouragement too! More on my original post intent later….

PPS: The photo above is something new I’ve been working on -iInspirational backgrounds for your Computer, iPad + Smart Phones. I’m not quite sure where God will lead me in this, but it’s been on my heart to start. It was time to make something meaningful from my hard drives of photos + journals of quotes. See more by clicking the “inspirational downloads” icon on the top or right hand side bar of the blog. I hope you enjoy them, as much as I did creating them.

Social Media Free

Truth be told, I’ve never been a trend setter. I’ve always loved things long before they become cool or fancied them well after the entire world’s made it their own. Why? Who knows, but I’m ok that.
So keeping course with my usual self, I finally…. I mean finally “tested out” a social media free weekend. After all, I had to see what all the fuss was about!

Nah. Thats not fully truth.

I spent a good deal of time in therapy when I was a teen, learning to cope, manage and overcome my battle with anorexia, anxiety and every other derivative of OCD possible. Back then, before facebook, instagram, iphone and digital cameras that uploaded to social media, it wasn’t common for folks to take pictures of things other than people or events, unless they were a professional or an artist.

I lived constantly in the past and in the future, with no acknowledgment of the present or even my reality for that matter. One of my “prescribed medications” was a camera-  a good ol’ fashioned wined up disposable. Each week, I had to take photos of things that made me stop and look- something that caught my eye and brought me out of my “head” into reality, if even for a moment. Sometimes it was a stranger, a random finding, archetcture or simply nature. And after developing them and returning to my next session, photos in hand, we reviewed what it was- what emotion, sensation, feeling or longing is was, that tugged at my heart strings enough to make me stop.

Trust me. If you had been in my head, that was a feat of its own. But what I learnt so quickly was how much I had been missing! How beautiful life really was. How precious, meaningful, alive and story filled it was. I had been missing the opportunity to truly experience and live my own life- to write the chapters of my own adventure novel. I was too busy living the fictional one in my head.

The long and short of it is this. This simple lesson was the turning point in my recovery and to this day fuels my passion for taking photos; ordinary photos of simple, everyday moments that weave the beautiful story of my life – the ones I choose to celebrate.  Its how I honour God and thank him for the little things that truly set my heart on fire. [Hello..meet my instagram obsession that started LONG LONG ago before it became a community, journal or business tool. The fact that I have people to talk to in it now is just a bonus!]

So back to my point and social media free weekends. I saw no need for it. I wasn’t addicted to social media. I no longer have a problem with living online vs in real life. I simply crave taking photos on the weekend when I actually have time to enjoy my hobby and eagerly anticipate it all week long! And come off it… whats the point of taking a photo of nothing without posting it to a social media outlet, right Well not really, but thats what’s become of our society, simply by habit and social acceptance. And the fact of the matter is, I fell prey to it too…

So on a whim, I decided to give it a try. How hard could it be? Three days free of social media and posting of my much loved “moment in time” snap shots. But truth is, it was difficult. So many times I found myself picking up my phone, simply because I had two seconds I wasn’t doing anything! [Heaven forbid I have to wait for the elevator,  for my dog to go pee or even myself for that matter. Admit it. You do it too!] Quickly I realized how much time there really was in a day to do the things I really really love, but never seem to get around to- like reading, editing photos, baking, crafting, taking baths and sitting, just for the sake of it! I had more meaningly conversations than I could count on one hand and truly felt like I was 100% present to love those right in front of me. I heard God’s promptings more clearing and I spend more focused and uninterrupted time in my devotionals. Simply put, I was a better version of me and life was that much MORE beautiful. I still took photos, but I found going back to them later in the week allowed me to re-appreciate all over again, that precious moment in time. And this week? I feel more refreshed, renewed and focused on what matters  than ever! Ready to give my days to the Lord more joyfully and strive to make further progress on my 2013 vision.

While I will openly admit, I didn’t see a “need” for social media free weekends in my life, I’m 100% on board here forward! Thank you Lara for opening my eyes and yet again encouraging growth, and a life lived on purpose… one of love, experienced from the inside.

Confession, I’m even considering getting rid of cable! God’s working on me though. In time …

Carry me

Truth. This weeks been hard. Really hard. Emotional, frustrating and uncertain. I feel a change stirring inside of me and its this unfamiliar sensation that has me confused.

There are moments when I feel so at peace, joyful and perfectly content. While others have left me unsettled with a dull, below the surface anxiety that quietly tightens my chest and boils deep down inside. In a moments notice, with only a glimpse of scripture, a lyric from a song or even someone’s instagram post,  I’m in tears, praying that God would reveal to me whats going on, why I’m feeling this way and asking that he would just carry me….carry me through.

Since January and in making my 2013 vision, I’ve worked hard at simplifying my life; striving for tunnel vision on the things that matter most, letting everything else just wash away. Saying No to many things, so I can say Yes to SO MUCH more-  the things that really set my heart on fire. Each day, I’ve prayed that God would work in me, refining my heart, my focus and my desires to match those of his….his will for my life. And like an onion, he continues to peel back the layers, revealing revelation after revelation in love.

Its hard work growing up and becoming the person you were meant to be. Especially when it means laying your hopes, desires, commitments, future, fears, doubts, control, weaknesses and everything in-between at the foot of Jesus. Cause what your left with is a raw, naked and vulnerable little girl. And That’s how I’ve felt this week.

Each day something would happen that would leave me realizing, yet again, I’m not in control of my life. Feeling helpless. No matter how hard I try, things will not always work out the first time. I can’t expect myself to know everything, especially before I’ve tried and failed first. I can’t fix life with a bandaid and if I want change, its going to come the hard way. If I want order and consistency, I must be persistent in working out the kinks…no matter how many tries it takes. And most of all, I need to accept that I’m not perfect [that's right, I said it] and I never ever, ever, will be!

This week, my office has been a battlefield… of my mind, my heart and my will. I can’t keep up with who’s winning, or who it is that’s got the better of me in that moment.

Deep down I know this frustration is me fighting to letting go… of my old self, my old identity, my old desires and my pride. Allowing God to penetrate my heart and have full reign in my life. Cause truth is, I don’t want the same things I used to. Yet in acknowledging that, I can feel my ego fight back, wanting to stifle that thought and quickly!  I can hear the voice inside my head telling me I’m being ridiculous. That in letting go, I’m going to be nothing… unaccomplished, lowly, insignificant, boring and lazy. That I need to buckle up my boot straps and get back to work. Make money. Be somebody. Do something NOW… faster, harder… be more! Cause what you are, even now, is not enough.

These thoughts are not of God.  They’re Lies. All lies. Yet they sting like a double edged sword.

I’ve walked away from my desk more times than I can count to simply be in God’s word or sit in quiet. To try and stop the whirling of my mind and fluttering of emotions. For moments in the stillness it all stops and I can hear his quiet whisper…

“This too shall pass. Just be still and know. Hold on to my promises. I’m doing exactly what you asked me for and on the other side, you’ll thank me. Just trust, Kailey. Trust.”

So I’m trusting, knowing deep down he indeed, is working all things out for good. And soon clarity will be upon me. Wisdom and courage, too. ‘Cause his strength is make perfect in my weakness. I need only to surrender, reach out and grab on tight.

Hold on Kailey… cause joy comes in the morning!

Exactly the Point!

“Put yourself in the place of the first follows of Jesus Christ, who were there for his death. Your heart would be broken. Your mind would be racing. This isn’t anything at all like what was supposed to happen to the king! He was supposed to set everything right. Mend what was broken and restore what was lost. But everything is still broken and nothing is right. It would seem, that all is lost; all Hope gone. “

As I read this, my first thought was, but why! Thats ridiculous! Jesus had told the disciples He would be leaving them, what to expect and  not to loose hope…

“Jesus said to the disciples, “We are going up to Jerusalem, and the Son of Man will be delivered over to the chief priests and the teachers of the law. They will condemn him to death and will hand him over to the Gentiles to be mocked and flogged and crucified. On the third day he will be raised to life!” Matthew 20:17-19

“You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand…. I am telling you now before it happens, so that when it does happen you will believe that I am who I am.” John 13:17/19  

So, why would they stand there like blind, uninformed, strangers of Jesus?! I closed the reading rather annoyed and pondering the “why” of it, all morning.

As I sat in the pew, awaiting the Good Friday service’s commence, I heard the gentle words, “Oh how much you are like my disciples.”

I shook my head and replayed the words over and over. Then it hit me, I indeed am, just like his disciples! While I’ve proclaimed it in other instances, why did my pride keep me from seeing it now? Because this is the headliner? If I were present for Jesus’ crucifixions I surely wouldn’t miss the point, doubt and loose hope, letting every conversation we’d had fly out the window? I’d love to say yes, but my actions in this life, prove otherwise. Oh how I doubt, forget his promises and lean on my [small, limited, human] understanding sometimes!

God shows us how to live, both by example in Jesus and by his word. He reveals his promises to us, to hold close and remember in hard times. He chooses to live in us through the Holy Spirit, for our benefit, so that he can always be close and walk with us through every circumstance, leading and guiding us at every bend…..YET! 

We still choose to question, walk our own ways, turn our back, doubt, feel hopeless, fall short and refuse giving up our lives to our saviour Jesus Christ, after he gave his for us, while we still rejected him! Why?! How is this even possible? 

Simply because we’re human and we’re bound by sin and the chains that hold us in bondage; pride, accomplishments, self- sufficiency, jealously, wealth, power, authority, vanity, possessions, idols, greed, praise… insert what ever it is that you “live for” and put before your relationship with God.

But that’s exactly the point- the whole reason God sent his son to die on a cross!!  For us, for our sins. So that we could be made anew- washed clean and considered blameless before God. So that through Christ, we could have a personal relationship with God and he would embrace us with open arms and hold us close, giving us life eternal, full of joy, love and mercy beyond measure.

“It is finished!” John 19:30

And with his sacrifice it surely is…finished! Jesus paid the debt, in full for for every single person, you and me, from the time we were born, through to our own death. We are free to live in unity with God, enjoying an intimate, personal relationship with him. How unbelievable is that! How undeserving are we!

My mind stopped whirling in that moment….

Such love deserves so much more than I could ever give! Oh, Lord, forgive me. Thank you that you care enough to show me my own foolish ways- that I will never “know enough,” understand enough or be capable of running my life without you- not if I want to be in your will and glorify you through every deed. Thank you for continuously showing me my need for you and humbling me in gratitude of the incredible sacrifice you made, with me in mind.

Savior I come
Quiet my soul remember
Redemptions hill
Where Your blood was spilled
For my ransom
Everything I once held dear
I count it all as lost

You were as I
Tempted and trialed
The word became flesh
Bore my sin and death
Now you’re risen

So, Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You

Oh lead me

lead me to the cross

Partial Surrender

This past weekend, I attended a woman’s night held at a local church [not my own] and put on by a friend of mine. Truth be told, I was hesitant to go and nervous of what would come. I wondered what people would think of me, pondered what the guest speaker could possible be sharing and replayed over and over again in my head worst case scenarios, in which I stood lonesome by myself outside the circle of women, while everyone else laughed and shared while ignoring me… that and the infamous, “find a partner to share” game in which no one wants to be “my friend!” What, am I back in high school, Kailey? Seriously…

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.” Proverbs 3:5

“Be still and Know that am I God” Psalm 46:10

These are two commands that have been heavy on my heart lately. I’ve experienced over and over again the amazing power and influence God has in our lives, if we simply trust and allow him to do his work in and through us. And why shouldn’t we let him? We know that his ways are so much better than our own and that he’s capable of more than we could possibly fathom. He promises to never give us more than we can handle and to walk with us, hand and hand through life’s every circumstance [big or little]. He promises to give us the courage, the wisdom and the protection to make it through, all we simply need to do is ask! And he declares that on the other side, theres more beauty, joy and peace than we could comprehend! And I know first hand, that the most uncomfortable and challenging things in life, have always been the most rewarding…

So in reflection of these, I shook my thoughts, refused to accept them and prayed that God would give me the courage to go, a new perspective and the words to speak to those I would surely meet. [I may be talkative and confident in business settings and conferences, but put me in a church event and I freeze like a bag full of mushed peas.]

From the moment I walked in the door I felt peace, God’s presence within me, encouraging me to keep going forward. I hung on to that feeling, yet I knew I hadn’t fully let go and surrendered to his call to come that evening. I felt awkward… stiff, speechless and numb. My normal way of worshipping was out the window and visions of my hands up in the air, singing at the top of my lungs, only danced in by head. With every song and every word from the speakers mouth, I questioned what my take away was.

And just as it ended, when I thought all was said and done, a woman from the crowd got up and asked if she could say a few words. She shared that God had laid on her heart that there were people in the room who were holding back and not allowing the Holy Spirit to have full rein in their lives. That while we think we’re living for Christ, we ask for him to lead our ways and trust in him to deliver, we’re only half committed, holding back, in fear of what it takes to really let him in. She explained that that process can be painful because it brings us to our knees, it requires the breaking down of every wall and removing the scabs from our deepest wounds. And with that brings ugliness, vulnerability and complete acceptance that without Christ we’re nothing… but a mess.

She boldly stated that if we want to move deeper in our relationship with God and truly have him rein in us and change us for the good, that it was our turn to make a move; to step out of our comfort zones, out of the safety of our seat and come to the front to pray for God to once and for all break the chains in our lives that keep us from 100% surrendering to him.

I felt a well of tears burn inside me and I had no idea why…. while my soul felt convicted by something from her speech,  my mind was indifferent. “She’s not talking to me!” it whirled. But one tear led to weeping and as my body stood up [almost as if by itself] and walked to the front [What are you doing? my mind beckoned] the weeping turned to sobbing and a full out mascara faced ball.

After the service, the women lingered and I found myself in a conversation with 3 of them, one being my friend, who shared the mission of these events and the vision God had given her for them. She painted a picture [figuratively] of a sword that penetrated the head of a person, went down through the mouth, into the throat and finally into the heart. And inside the heart was a pool of diamonds. And when the sword was pulled out, the diamonds welled up, producing a spring that overflowed through the body out the top of the head-  the path the sword had created. At that point it hit me…

I still had walls up around my heart; only half trusting him .. not only in my coming to the evening, but with my very  life. I had allowed the sword to work it’s way through my head [ Ok God, I'll give you my mind by being in your word, learning about your character and meditating on your promises], my mouth [I'll even give you my speech, to profess your greatness and share the good news of the gospel, because we're called to be disciples] and my throat [I'll embrace the events that bring me to my knees, take my breath away and help me see my need for you ], but I had yet to let it penetrate my heart- my very essence, my inner most being. Because until then, I am still ultimately the master of my life.

Partial walls= partial surrender = partial trusting = partial faith.

Boom. There you have it… the reason I was called to be there that night. I felt my heart break a little in that moment, almost as if bruised from a hard blow. And since then I can’t help but consider how many of us go through life like this, not allowing ourself the greatest privilege of fully surrendering to our saviour.

Lord, Thank you for your patience with me! My desire is truly to be in your will- to know you even more and for you to be the master of my life. I know I need to you, because naturally, I fall short, sin and allow my self-sufficient ways to take over. But I hold on to your promise for me…

“Be confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion!” Philippians 1:6

While I’m not where I need to be, I can thank God I’m not where I used to be. Thank you for the joy, peace and blessings you provide along the journey, Lord. Every day I see your grace, your workings in my life and in my heart and I praise you. Thank you that in EVERY circumstance you offer me contentment and joy. In you, I have all I need….

 “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”  2 Corinthians 12:9